Many of you come to this site because you’re looking for information that might give you an advantage with your difficult mom/stepmom relationship. You want something extra to help you create a shift. Movement in the right direction. A breakthrough out of nowhere.
You’re the only one who knows what it’s like in your particular situation.
If you’re like most people though, you’ve got a razor-sharp sense of how things stack up on the scoreboard. Who’s done what to whom. How you were justified in reacting to various offenses.
But what about when it comes to the potential for real change -- how do you know what to do? Which direction to go?
There are two possible boats you might be in if you’re struggling with the stepmom or ex-wife. So I’ll ask you:
Is this woman crazy and dangerous?
Or is she normal enough that you might one day get somewhere?
Which boat do think you’re in?
The one where you’re both basically “normal,” but having a hard time?
Or the one where she’s damaging the kids because she’s abusing drugs or alcohol, compulsively lies, maybe has a diagnosable personality disorder, and is actively alienating the children from you, even though it’s destroying them in the process?
Sounds obvious enough, right?
But here’s where this gets tricky.
When people attack us, when they hurt our feelings, snub us, do things that piss us off, when they do something with the kids that we strongly disagree with, we almost always put them in the second boat.
We are appalled at their flaws and issues, their behavior. We are offended. The reason they’re capable of acting the way they are must be because there’s something seriously wrong with them. They’ve got major problems.
And sometimes, this is true.
But sometimes... it’s not.
A little story for you.
In the brilliant book, “The Anatomy of Peace,” an Arab and a Jew lead a weekend workshop for the parents of troubled teens who are off on a wilderness retreat.
Yusef, who’s Arab, tells a tale from when he was young and earning a living, begging from Westerners on the streets of Bethlehem. He knew an elderly, blind Jewish beggar named Mordecai from working the same beat.
One day, Mordecai fell and spread his donated coins all over the ground. Not only was he struggling to stand up, his days’ earnings were everywhere.
Yusef’s first impulse was to help Mordecai get up and retrieve his coins.
But in an instant, without even being conscious of it, Yusef thought of all the injustices that the Jews had committed against his people; how angry, bitter and put upon he felt by these circumstances; this choice he had to make.
Instead of helping Mordecai, he quickly walked away.
Not only did Yusef do something unkind, he also betrayed himself in that moment.
He went against what he himself thought was the right thing to do.
Immediately after betraying himself, his mind turned to making Mordecai wrong. Making the situation wrong. Making the pressure he felt to help wrong and unfair.
In less than a second, Mordecai became the enemy.
Do you see how Yusef couldn’t, from that frame of mind, be able to accurately tell which boat Mordecai might be in (friend or foe) to save his life?
Same thing for us when we don’t do a brutally honest, slow-motion replay after a conflict-filled event.
When we can’t tease out our feelings of superiority, self-righteousness, our vindictiveness, our desire to get sympathy from others over our hardships, we lose our mental clarity.
We lose our compassion.
We lose any sense of responsibility.
We turn living, breathing people into objects.
What fascinates me is that millisecond of self-betrayal.
The self-betrayal comes first, then all else just “seems” to automatically follow....
We don’t even realize it’s happened!
We want to get along with the other woman, sometimes from just wanting less stress, more peace, cooperation, etc.
And deep inside us all, we know that our choices, our actions, our conflict-filled relationships after divorce actually hurt and frighten our children.
This knowledge tugs at our hearts and keeps us up at night.
But... something “goes wrong” again with the stepmom or ex-wife, we betray ourselves, and off she goes into the Crazy boat, even if she doesn’t belong there.
So how do you know when she does?
For one thing, it’s strikingly clear. You know it in your gut in no uncertain terms. This feeling is consistent from day-to-day. It never goes away. Those are the special circumstances that need to be taken seriously and managed with professional resources.
The Crazy boat requires stronger boundaries so you can protect your children and step-children. Maybe later, you can lower those boundaries. Maybe not.
The Normal boat is where things actually have the potential to change.
As a human being that’s a constant work in progress, I commit acts of self-betrayal on a daily basis.
How about you?
© 2010 Jennifer Newcomb Marine All Rights Reserved