On Thursday, Jenna’s post “One woman’s frog is another’s woman’s prince” lit up our blog and Facebook page with massive hits and fascinating feedback. She really struck a nerve.
Most of the feedback was from stepmoms, but her post was important for moms to read too.
We often forget that the men we divorced can indeed change, grow and actually be BETTER -- with someone else.
I take no issue with that point.
Many stepmoms agreed that their husbands are 2.0 versions of their former selves -- and that’s a happy thing for all parties involved.
I know my own ex is a much better match with Carol, the co-author of our book. They’ve even “passed up” the number of years he and I were married, and seem equally committed to each other.
But I did want to highlight one significant aspect of this Frog/Prince dialogue that I suspect some stepmoms may not realize.
In combing through the tangled conflict between stepmoms and divorced moms, it may look to you like there are scores of divorced moms out there who are simply holding on to old issues from the past -- and that’s why they’re angry.
She just can’t let go. She’s emotionally stunted. She doesn’t have the maturity to release her judgments and resentments.
Maybe it’s even assumed that’s she’s still in love with her ex.
But in many cases, there’s actually something very different going on.
Not all, of course, but in many.
Jenna mentioned how, in a healthy marriage or relationship, the partners are happy to be “doing for each other.” This is why so many stepmoms step forward and do a lot of the parenting stuff for the dads.
Because they’re better at it. Because they love their husbands and are trying to make his life easier.
But let me tell you, there’s a very common refrain I hear among the majority of my divorced mom friends: the father’s involvement with his kids often drops dramatically when he remarries -- especially if he has more children with his new partner.
He sees his children less.
He calls less.
He may not be able to “squeeze them in” to his busy calendar.
Outings or gatherings have to be compromised to accommodate new siblings or his wife’s preferences.
Meetings and get-togethers have to be changed, then changed again, then eventually forgotten.
The moms are the ones witnessing the fallout from this with their children.
They see and hear the child’s hurt feelings.
The children feel ignored, unloved, invisible.
And THAT is where a lot of the anger comes from in the moms.
It’s fresh anger.
It comes from new experiences of rejection for their child, piled on top of each other.
They are angry with their children’s fathers for not stepping up, for not even noticing that his children are hurt and feel neglected by him.
They see the negative impact upon their child’s self-esteem.
They fear for their daughter’s future romantic relationships, with the most important man in her life imprinting messages of emotional unavailability upon the child’s impressionable psyche.
Or dooming their sons to a lifetime of trying to “prove themselves” to a man who is forever facing the other direction.
Do the moms also have judgments and anger, their own resolved issues with their ex that are their responsibility to handle?
But that still doesn’t negate my point about how so many dads seem to be falling short.
Now, to clarify...
In Jenna’s post -- and in this one -- we’re talking about several “slices” of the pie, several sub-populations:
- There are the dads who divorced and haven’t changed. They were disinterested, uninvolved fathers before and they still are.
- There are the dads who have become better partners and yet still practice a kind of hands-off approach to fatherhood.
- There are the dads who have become better partners AND better fathers.
I’m talking about the second group in this post.
As women, we often step up to the plate without even being asked.
And the stepmoms in this second group who fulfill some of the parenting duties for their husbands out of love and partnership are actually enabling some pretty unhealthy behavior - for the children’s sake -- and for themselves.
And that’s why, when you do things for him as his partner, as moms we reject your kindnesses, your earnest involvement.
It may sound crazy and counter-productive to reject parenting help for our kids wherever we can get it, but moms are thinking, Don’t enable him. Don’t make it okay for him to continue to slack off!
Now, I know there are plenty of stepmoms out there who are trying to get their partners to be more involved as dads.
They’re doing what we moms used to do: cajole, bargain, inform, educate, “set up successes” to happen....
Sometimes, your efforts really do make a difference. Breakthroughs happen between a father and his kids and we thank you for doing this, out of love for your stepkids.
But in other ways, too many fathers get to kick back and let the women -- both women -- do all the grunt work of parenting. We hear from plenty of stepmoms out there in this kind of situation too. Sounds like it sucks.
Just had to get this off my chest.
I’m surrounded by so many single and remarried moms saying the same thing, it breaks my heart. And yet this scenario of "forgotten children" has become so commonplace that I’m not even surprised by it anymore.
When a dad does it differently, it really stands out.
So before you assume that the mom is once again harping on the past for some crazy, illogical reason, consider whether some of her anger is directed at the father of her children -- for a valid reason.
Think of how you might feel if the children you now have with your husband became an afterthought in the future.....
Yes. These dual-families relationships are incredibly complicated, with so many demands on our time, attention and affection that it's sometimes mind-boggling.
But an uninvolved father is a dad that is hurting his child’s feelings and harming their self-esteem and self-worth.
That’s what we’re mad about.
Thanks for reading.
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
(Update: After seeing some of the comments on Facebook in response, I just wanted to add two points.
My intent here is not to "slam" men or the many fathers out there who are doing a great job. In addition to the kids, I'm also concerned about all the stepmoms out there who are putting their marriages at risk by continuing to fulfill roles that are leaving them depleted and resentful. They started out giving from the heart, but now they are expected to continue being the hands-on parent while the dad "coasts." After a while, the stepmom feels trapped. Bad for everyone!
I also think there are gender issues that feed into this issue. As women, we're "givers," and we love jumping in and doing for others before they even ask! It can be a slippery slope....)
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